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Rovark 
"Luck-pushing, rule-bending, chance-taking reviewer"
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 Posted - 06/26/2004 : 22:16:24
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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says
"I don't Feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads
to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a
woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love
me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
With her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
big, big unnamed dept. store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her
we'll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets
get a pair for each outfit.
We went on to the jewellery dept. where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is
All dear, let's go to the cashier".
"No honey" I said "I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for
a while..
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either. 
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 06/26/2004 : 22:39:07
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No 1
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
No 2
A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech. At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I Was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really fuck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
No 3
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young
newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from
having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor
went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from
sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all,
Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The
first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the
couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations!
Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,"
the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped
it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and
took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're
not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/01/2004 : 10:25:20
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Sorry, this one is bad...
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
the monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound...
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. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 07/01/2004 : 10:30:06
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Nooooooooooooooo
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 07/03/2004 : 16:53:27
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Three Italian nuns are killed in a car accident and go to heaven.
St.Peter greets them at the Pearly Gates and he says "Sisters, you
all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's
gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just
doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to
St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to
her and says....
"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was
laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 07/11/2004 : 14:16:56
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Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed. The first
guy said, "I bet that if I had one more beer, I could fly!" The other
guys bought their friend another drink. After the first guy finished,
he walked up to a nearby cliff and jumped off. The other two guys
stared in disbelief as the first guy fell, fell, and then suddenly
swooped up and landed on the cliff.
The second guy said, "I bet I can do that too!" He ran down to the
bar, chugged a beer, and ran back up to the cliff. Then the second
guy jumped off the cliff, fell, fell, and crashed into the ground
below.
The third guy turned to the first guy and said, "You're a real jerk
when you're drunk, Superman!"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 07/25/2004 : 23:27:42
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So one day God calls down to Noah . . . . and says,
"Noah, I want you to build another Ark, but this time I don't just
want a couple of decks - I want 20 decks, one on top of the other".
"Twenty decks!?", screams Noah, "Well, OK, whatever you say. Should I
fill it with all the animals, just like last time?".
"No, this time I just want fish . . . carp to be exact.", answers God.
Noah looks to the skies, "OK, God, let me get this right . . . you
want a New Ark with 20 decks, one on top of the other? And you want
it full of carp?"
"That's right", replies God.
Why?" asks Noah.
"Dunno really", says God. "I just fancied a multi-storey carp ark".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead
of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the
boys and spending all of his pay. When he finally appeared at home on
Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged
for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his
wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like
it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied.
"That would be absolutely fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife all day. Tuesday and
Wednesday came and went and he never saw his wife.
Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so he could see
her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/26/2004 : 00:11:26
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Funnily enough, Chris C, your second joke there appears on page 1 of this thread! 
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 07/26/2004 : 20:49:05
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Oops  Apologies to Mguyx for the inadvertant repeat.
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 07/29/2004 : 14:37:15
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A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck (just like a man). "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies--in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them!
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Pope George Ringo
"the Pope on stage"
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Posted - 07/30/2004 : 01:55:09
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The other day I was walking with my son thru the pharmacy, he saw something on the shelf that interested him and he stopped, pointed and asked:
"Daddy, what are these?"
"Those are condoms, son. They are for practicing safe sex".
He pointed at the number on the box and said:
"Why are there 3 in the box?"
"That package is for high school boys. There's one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday".
"Oh, why are there 6 in this box?"
"Those are for college boys, there's 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday".
"Oh, well how come there is 12 in this big box?"
"That box is for married men like me. There's one for January, one for February..."
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 08/02/2004 : 06:09:51
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Two Choices Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy?
The Titanic or Clinton Video?
TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.
TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.
TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ..Basically the same thing.
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 08/08/2004 : 20:14:44
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For those with an interest in language
HOW TO SAY, "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Dutch . . . . . . . . . . . Ik hou van jou
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . .. Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . .Jag Alskar
Manchester, Liverpool, Newcastle, Glasgow: ... Nice Tits!
For everyone else
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 08/09/2004 : 20:38:31
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In honour of this weeks Avatar comp:
A polar bear goes into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a gin
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and tonic?"
The barman says "Why the big pause?"
"I dunno" says the bear "I guess I've always had them"
______________________________________________________
Baby polar bear goes up to his big brother and asks "Am I really a polar bear?"
"Course you are" says his brother "Mum and Dad are Polar Bears, so we must be, too."
"OK" says baby PB, and wanders off. A little while later he sees his Mum and says "Mum, am I really a polar bear?"
"Of course you are" she replies "Youv'e got white hair, a black nose and black paws. That makes you a Polar Bear". "Oh, right" says baby PB, and he wanders off into the snowfields.
A little while later Baby PB sees his father. "Dad" he asks "am I really a polar bear?"
"Of course you are, son" says his dad "You live in the Arctic, and eat seals and fish. You're a polar bear and should be proud of it. Anyway, son, why do you keep asking us about this?"
"Cos I'm f***ing cold, that's why"
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 08/12/2004 : 13:36:46
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Words to live by --- 2004
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you pass gas.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things get worse.
25. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night..
26. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
27. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
28. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
29. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED
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Jokes
