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AC 
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
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 Posted - 08/17/2004 : 18:11:57
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Here's one just for Sean (and the Aussies, of course!)
**********
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there was no male
gorilla of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Kevin, like most Kiwis, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed
with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species.
So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Kevin was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have
sex with the gorilla for $500?
Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the
matter over carefully. The following day, Kevin announced that he would
accept their offer, only under three conditions:
"Fust," he said, "I don't want to have to kuss er."
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they
asked what was his third condition.
"Wull," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another week to come up with
the $500."
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 08/17/2004 : 23:23:23
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Batty
"By name and nature"
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Posted - 08/18/2004 : 07:36:24
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Well, at least we're not making jokes about Kiwis and sheep anymore...
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 08/18/2004 : 08:44:11
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 08/25/2004 : 15:36:38
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New Ferrari Pit Team
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take
advantage of the British Government's "Work for the Dole" scheme and employ Liverpool scallies.
The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove
a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8
seconds with millions of pounds worth of high-tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits,
Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the scally crew's first practice session, not only was the Scouse
pit-crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the
vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of skunk weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the
shower.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 09/11/2004 : 12:03:31
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I got this in the mail, some of it looks rather familiar, not sure if it applies to Athens or might be resurrected from some other time....
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the [2004] Summer Olympics that they would like to take back
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 09/22/2004 : 02:06:24
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"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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GHcool
"Forever a curious character."
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Posted - 09/22/2004 : 06:00:27
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Here's a good one I just heard:
A Texan is driving through the country when he happens upon a small, humble home of a poor, old man. He knocks on the door and says, "I've been drivin' for miles and I'm damn thirsty. Would you mind serving me a glass of water?"
"Certainly not," replies the old man.
"That's mighty kind of you," the Texan says.
The Texan comes in, sits at the old man's table and makes himself at home while the old man serves him a drink of water.
"Let me ask you something," the Texan says, "How large is your property?"
"I don't know. About 120 feet by 80 feet," the old man replies.
The Texan laughs, "Let me tell ya somethin': back home I get up at nine in the morning, get into my car, and I start drivin'. I keep on drivin' and drivin' all day long and at six o'clock I'm not even at the end of my property."
The old man says, "Yeah, I used to have a car like that too."
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Edited by - GHcool on 09/22/2004 06:01:08 |
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 09/22/2004 : 14:46:43
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Speaking of Texans, my mother-in-law (an American, by the way) used to say that if you gave a Texan an enema you could bury him in a shoebox.
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Edited by - lemmycaution on 09/24/2004 02:53:37 |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/23/2004 : 13:29:36
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Yippee I'm rich.
Here is a copy of an email that I got today
---------------------------
Ref: No. 887/294/0629
Batch No. 59-01231-APNL
Lottery date: 07/01/04
Congratulations Category A prize winner!
You have been selected as one of the five winners of
the AN Post National Lottery Company computer ballot
draws and thus will be a privileged recipient of the
grand draw prize of Euros 1,350,000 (One million three
hundred and fifty thousand Euros).
We in the AN Post National Lottery Company is by this
program, launching our model computer balloting
lottery draws, developed and designed to satisfy the
cravings of the ever growing number of participants in
our various lottery programs. With funds accrued
exclusively from previous draws, payouts to all
winners are guaranteed and will be transferred in
record time.
After randomly selecting 15,000 participants from an
initial database of 3,000,000 emails and zoning all
participants by their respective continents from
across the globe, we produced an extensive list from
which you have emerged as one of the lucky winners of
the Grand Draw prize.
To ensure a smooth collection of your winnings, the
transfer of your prize is to be handled by our Prize
transfer agent. You are adviced to contact our claims
agents by email within a week of receiving this
notice.
Please find contact details below:
Your claims agent.
STEEL CONSULT INTL,
AFFILIATE OF An Post National Lottery .
CONTACT PERSON :MR GREG WILLIAMS
CONTACT PHONE :00 221 5251855
CONTACT EMAIL :
Also find your winning lottery information below:
Winning file reference number: TR/91-92567
Ticket number: 010-27835345-408
Draw Serial No: 09940
Batch No: 47/00045/wf
Grand Draw No: 5 - 5 - 2 - 25 - 10 - 64
You are seriously advised to keep all winning lottery
information and numbers from the public in line with
our companies security protocol to avoid double claims
and unwarranted abuse of this program by unscrupulous
individuals.
Please direct all further correspondences and queries
to your respective category Prize transfer
co-ordinator. Congratulations once again from the An
Post National Lottery Company.
NOTE: IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPLAINS WITH REGARDS TO OUR
AGENTS PLEASE DO FEEL FREE TO EMAIL OUR CUSTOMER CARE SERVICE AT : and we will get back at you.
Best regards,
ALICIA ELLIOT
Lottery Director
An Post National Lottery.
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 09/23/2004 : 14:07:59
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Now you can pay me that fiver you owe me.
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/23/2004 : 16:07:07
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quote:
Originally posted by lemmycaution
Now you can pay me that fiver you owe me.
Sure, no problems, as soon as I get the Euros 1,350,000 (One million three
hundred and fifty thousand Euros).
I will fly you over to Australia to collect it.
Aren't I nice
As a deposit I will give you 5 votes 
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Edited by - thefoxboy on 09/23/2004 16:09:42 |
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 09/23/2004 : 16:22:11
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As good as gold. I'll tit for tat.
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 09/23/2004 : 17:57:58
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
As a deposit I will give you 5 votes
Didn't you owe me a fiver too?
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 09/24/2004 : 01:05:46
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Sounds like he'll be shouting me at Maccas tonight.
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Jokes
