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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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 Posted - 09/24/2004 : 01:10:31
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quote:
Originally posted by bife
quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
As a deposit I will give you 5 votes 
Didn't you owe me a fiver too?
Gee, win a little money and all the unknown relatives come knocking on the door  
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/24/2004 : 08:50:00
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quote:
Originally posted by bife
quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
As a deposit I will give you 5 votes
Didn't you owe me a fiver too?
Oh was that for the time we were in Amsterdam and you....oh nevermind.
I have given you 5 votes
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Markandlain 
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 09/24/2004 : 10:11:09
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This one deserves an honourable mention in the Darwin Awards, but I don't know the person (or even whether it's just an urban myth). Happy reading.
Dear Friends,
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. And do not doubt me when I
say this is a true story!!!
Here goes:......
Once upon a time..... or at least.....Last weekend, I spied something at the local Pawn (no not Porn...Pawn) shop that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
tickled). I bought something really cool for little lady. The occasion was another anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity... while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're
truly missing out....way too cool! Long story short, I bought the
device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.
Upon reading the detructions...er... directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my annoance that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. It
would stun no worries... but I wanted to see the blue electrical arc
going from one prong to another!
How disappointing!
However, I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed
the gun against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
have yet to explain to Denise what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
the zap one gets from it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat
Spaz looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the
directions (that would be me, not Spaz) and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Spaz for a fraction of a second
and thought better of it. He is such a sweet kitty, after all. But,
if I was going to give this thing to Denise to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable
to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, directions in
one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would supposedly make your assailant flop about
on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at
this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way.......trust me...... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best. Those of you who know me well might heave a pretty good idea of
what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Spaz looking on with his
head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it mate!" Reasoning
that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't
hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances,
wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like
hindsight....always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the
time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and I'm
pretty sure that King Kong burst in through the front door, picked
me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over
and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples
on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Spaz was standing
over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You can't let go of the button until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor,
then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4"
deep in your thigh like yours truly.) that hurt! So that one second
burst I was gunna' try... was probably more like five!!!!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing
at this point), I collected my wits (They were spread out all over
the room), sat up and surveyed the landscape.The directions were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like
it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to
get 'em back.
   
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 09/25/2004 : 15:29:56
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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the
People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother
sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about"
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/27/2004 : 10:15:42
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Wow...2nd one in a week.
I am super rich now.
bife this one is in Holland, can you pick it up for me?
I will pay you
Any of you long lost relatives thinking of asking for a fiver...the answer is NO
HONEST LOTTO INTERNATIONAL.HOLLAND
FROM: THE DESK OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
EMAIL LOTTO INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY/PRIZE AWARD DEPT
Ref. Number: VFS/447762/XKD
Batch Number: ELI/221907/4NL
ATTENTION.
Sir/ Ma/ Miss,
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the
winners of the Group Lotto International Lottery
programs held on the 15th August,2003.Your e-mail
address attached to ticket number 7881--09563218--750
with serial number 8774-995 drew lucky numbers
8-094-23-00-32-99 which consequently won in the 4th
category.You have therefore been approved for a lump
sum pay of US $650,000.00(Six hundred and fifty
thousand United States Dollars)in cash credited to
file Ref. Number: VFS/447762/XKD.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names we ask that
you keep your winning information confidential until
your claims has been processed and your money remitted
to you.This is part of our security protocol to avoid
double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program
by some participants.
All participants were selected through a computer
ballot system drawn from over 20,000 company and
30,000,000 individual email addresses and names from
all over the world. This promotional program takes
place every three years in different developed
Countries, the lottery was promoted and sponsored by
the President of the World Largest software, Bill
Gates to increase the awareness of Microsoft software
packages. We hope with part of your winning you will
take part in our next year USD 50 million
international lottery Program.
To file for your claim please contact our financial
agent:
MR.KENNEDY HOWARD,
Foreign Operations Manager,
Value Financial Services Amsterdam- Holland
TEL:0031-623426440
EMAIL:
ADDRESS: SteveBikoplein 772, 1209KJ.Amsterdam, The
Netherlands.
You are to contact them with the following
requirements:
(a) Photocopy of your I.D for age verification.
(b) Telephone and fax numbers for easy commmunication.
(c) Full names and address.
(d) Reference and Batch numbers.
Remember all winning must be claimed not later than
1st of october 2004. After this date all unclaimed
funds will be included in the next stake. Please note
in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications
please remember to quote your reference number and
batch numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore,should there be any change of address do
inform our agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff
and thank you for being part of our promotional
program.
Note:Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically
disqualified.
Sincerely yours,
MRS. SUSANNE VAN HEIST.
Lotto Co-ordinator.
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 09/27/2004 : 10:46:16
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
HONEST LOTTO INTERNATIONAL.HOLLAND
......
Sincerely yours,
MRS. SUSANNE VAN HEIST.
Lotto Co-ordinator.
I found the surname of the Lotto Co-ordinator highly suspect, luckily she worked for Honest Lotto so my suspicions were allayed.
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/27/2004 : 12:03:43
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quote:
Originally posted by Conan the Rooboy
quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
HONEST LOTTO INTERNATIONAL.HOLLAND
......
Sincerely yours,
MRS. SUSANNE VAN HEIST.
Lotto Co-ordinator.
I found the surname of the Lotto Co-ordinator highly suspect, luckily she worked for Honest Lotto so my suspicions were allayed.
Thanks for the heads up on the name, I will cancel my application.
Got any votes lately Conan?
I noticed a lot of 0's turning into 1's
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Edited by - thefoxboy on 09/27/2004 12:13:56 |
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 09/28/2004 : 02:36:13
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There's so much love on this site. 
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 09/28/2004 : 18:31:35
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
Wow...2nd one in a week.
I am super rich now.
bife this one is in Holland, can you pick it up for me?
I will pay you
Any of you long lost relatives thinking of asking for a fiver...the answer is NO
Come to think of it, it was a hunnert!
HONEST LOTTO INTERNATIONAL.HOLLAND
FROM: THE DESK OF THE VICE PRESIDENT
EMAIL LOTTO INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY/PRIZE AWARD DEPT
Ref. Number: VFS/447762/XKD
Batch Number: ELI/221907/4NL
ATTENTION.
Sir/ Ma/ Miss,
We are pleased to inform you of the result of the
winners of the Group Lotto International Lottery
programs held on the 15th August,2003.Your e-mail
address attached to ticket number 7881--09563218--750
with serial number 8774-995 drew lucky numbers
8-094-23-00-32-99 which consequently won in the 4th
category.You have therefore been approved for a lump
sum pay of US $650,000.00(Six hundred and fifty
thousand United States Dollars)in cash credited to
file Ref. Number: VFS/447762/XKD.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names we ask that
you keep your winning information confidential until
your claims has been processed and your money remitted
to you.This is part of our security protocol to avoid
double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program
by some participants.
All participants were selected through a computer
ballot system drawn from over 20,000 company and
30,000,000 individual email addresses and names from
all over the world. This promotional program takes
place every three years in different developed
Countries, the lottery was promoted and sponsored by
the President of the World Largest software, Bill
Gates to increase the awareness of Microsoft software
packages. We hope with part of your winning you will
take part in our next year USD 50 million
international lottery Program.
To file for your claim please contact our financial
agent:
MR.KENNEDY HOWARD,
Foreign Operations Manager,
Value Financial Services Amsterdam- Holland
TEL:0031-623426440
EMAIL:
ADDRESS: SteveBikoplein 772, 1209KJ.Amsterdam, The
Netherlands.
You are to contact them with the following
requirements:
(a) Photocopy of your I.D for age verification.
(b) Telephone and fax numbers for easy commmunication.
(c) Full names and address.
(d) Reference and Batch numbers.
Remember all winning must be claimed not later than
1st of october 2004. After this date all unclaimed
funds will be included in the next stake. Please note
in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications
please remember to quote your reference number and
batch numbers in all correspondence.
Furthermore,should there be any change of address do
inform our agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff
and thank you for being part of our promotional
program.
Note:Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically
disqualified.
Sincerely yours,
MRS. SUSANNE VAN HEIST.
Lotto Co-ordinator.
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Edited by - lemmycaution on 09/28/2004 18:32:18 |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/28/2004 : 21:49:17
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Took your time lemmy, I have been waiting for you to raise the amount
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 09/29/2004 : 03:46:29
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Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &
livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory
of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and
Lebanon).
North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January
2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 09/29/2004 : 03:50:33
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Ctrl, Alt, Del
Here are 14 actual (really???) error messages seen on the computer screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku. Aren't these better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
1. The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
2. Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
3. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
4. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
5. Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
6. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
7. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
8. A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
9. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred?
10. You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
11. Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
12. Having been erased, The document you're seeking must now be retyped.
13. Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
14. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 09/29/2004 : 21:02:03
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Several here:
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
next:
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn - the wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides
to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and
says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any
moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am", and he left.
MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
and the next:
A highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically knocked down
by a bus and killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates,
where St.Peter welcomed her:
"Before you get settled in," he said, "We have a little
problem... you see, we've never had a Human Resources Manager make it this
far before and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"Oh, I see," said the woman. "Can't you just let me in?"
"Well, I'd like to," said St Peter, "But I have higher
orders. We're instructed to let you have a day in hell and a day in
heaven, and then you are to choose where you'd like to go for all
eternity."
"Actually, I think I'd prefer heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..." at which St. Peter put the HR
Manager into the downward bound elevator.
As the doors opened in hell she stepped out onto a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club; around her were
many friends
* past fellow executives, all smartly dressed, happy, and
cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they
talked about old times. They played a perfect round of golf and afterwards
went to the country club where she enjoyed a superb steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually rather nice, and she had a
wonderful night telling jokes and dancing. Before she knew it, it was
time to leave; everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye as she
stepped into the elevator. The elevator went back up to heaven where St.
Peter was waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
playing the harp and singing, which was almost as enjoyable as her day
in hell. At the day's end St Peter returned.
"So," he said, "You've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. You must choose between the two."
The woman thought for a second and replied, "Well, heaven is
certainly lovely, but I actually had a better time in hell. I choose
hell."
Accordingly, St. Peter took her to the elevator again and
she went back down to hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found
herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
friends dressed in rags, picking up rubbish and putting it in old
sacks.The Devil approached and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stuttered the HR Manager, "Yesterday I
was here, and there was a golf course, and a country club, and we ate
lobster, and we danced and had a wonderful happy time. Now all there's
just a dirty wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were
recruiting you, today you're staff !!!."
It goes on:
Guide to Zen
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/14/2004 : 11:32:28
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The Golfer
An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured over the little guy, reviving him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.
"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?!"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/14/2004 : 11:33:03
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A train hits a busload of Essex schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in Heaven trying to enter the Pearly Gates past St. Peter.
Peter asks the first girl (from South end), " Karen, have you ever had any contact with a man 's thing?"
She giggles and replies, " Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger ".
St Peter says, " OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the Gate "
St Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne, have you ever had any contact with a man's thing? "
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well I once fondled and stroked one " .
St Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the Gate"
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line, St Peter says " Tracy, what seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies; "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Sharon sticks her ass in it!! "
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Jokes
