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Markandlain 
"Lacking in four sight"
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 Posted - 10/14/2004 : 12:50:57
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Joke 1
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since
they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Joke 2
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and
the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast."
The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got."
The bartender says, "What've you got?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 10/20/2004 : 19:53:25
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A waiter showed up to work one day coughing and sneezing. His boss asked him whether he felt ill, to which the waiter replied, �Yes, I do.�
His boss told him �When I feel sick in the morning, I just have a good go �round with the wife before I leave. Nothing like sex to bolster the old constitution.�
The waiter nodded in interest.
�Why don�t you take a couple hours off and take my suggestion,� the boss said with a wink of his eye, �Come back after a while and tell me whether that doesn�t do the trick.�
The waiter agreed.
After several hours, the waiter returned. �Did you take my advice?� asked the boss. The waiter smiled a wide grin and nodded his head. �Feeling better?� asked the boss, breaking into a wide grin of his own.
�Oh yes, much better� said the waiter.
�I told you so,� said the boss.
The waiter agreed and turned to attend to his duties. As he walked, he turned his head partly over his shoulder and yelled back toward his boss �Oh by the way, you�ve got a lovely house!�
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 10/26/2004 : 05:31:19
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
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Tori
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 10/28/2004 : 06:14:05
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quote:
Originally posted by Conan the Bombshell
Uncle Noel (and to a lesser extent his brothers, Ian & Graeme and my late grandfather) is the reason that Mark and I turned out the way we did.
Christmas was a regular groan-fest and not just because of over-eating.
He's a Baptist pastor and has the highest ratio of jokes to spiritual points of any preacher in the country.
Are you and Markandlain related?
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 10/28/2004 : 06:25:11
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quote:
Originally posted by Tori
[quote]Originally posted by Conan the Bombshell
Uncle Noel (and to a lesser extent his brothers, Ian & Graeme and my late grandfather) is the reason that Mark and I turned out the way we did.
Christmas was a regular groan-fest and not just because of over-eating.
He's a Baptist pastor and has the highest ratio of jokes to spiritual points of any preacher in the country.
Are you and Markandlain related?
Brothers 
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Tori
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 10/28/2004 : 07:01:26
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
quote:
Originally posted by Tori
[quote]Originally posted by Conan the Bombshell
Uncle Noel (and to a lesser extent his brothers, Ian & Graeme and my late grandfather) is the reason that Mark and I turned out the way we did.
Christmas was a regular groan-fest and not just because of over-eating.
He's a Baptist pastor and has the highest ratio of jokes to spiritual points of any preacher in the country.
Are you and Markandlain related?
Brothers
Awww!
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 10/28/2004 : 08:13:38
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It's his fault that I waste all my time on this site. 
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 10/28/2004 : 10:15:26
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Welcome back Tori, we've missed you.
Here's a little story ...
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a GBP20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dareden?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "GBP1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
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CrazyDog 
"wiggle your big toe"
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Posted - 11/02/2004 : 03:03:43
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K - this really aint a funny joke..or a joke for that matter..just thought i'd include it with the avatar theme and all...and its Melbourne Cup day today..yay...
One One was a racehorse, and Two Two was one too. One One won one race, and Two Two won one too.
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AC
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
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Posted - 11/12/2004 : 04:26:21
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Disclaimer:
Don't shoot the messenger. I just got this in an email (as many of you will have) and got a chuckle out of it. I like Americans. And Brits.
Subject: A letter from the Home Office to the people of America
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Budejovice, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
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Edited by - AC on 11/12/2004 05:49:00 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/12/2004 : 04:48:27
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Good man, AC!  I got this in an email the other day and thought about putting it here, but decided not to. Glad you've got the balls! 
BTW, do you think you could change the bit about the beer in Part 12? Budweiser is made in Budejovice, a town that the Germans called "Budweiser" on the occasions they owned it. Not sure what beer they make in Pilsen but I could have a pretty solid guess... 
Answer in invisotext for those who can't work it out...
Pilsner!!!
And yes, the Czechs make the best beer on the planet. 
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Edited by - Sean on 11/12/2004 04:55:04 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/19/2004 : 21:30:13
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Duncan the Crab and Kate the Lobster Princess
Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Duncan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and began to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.
That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.
Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush..................................
For quite a while...........................
Finally, the crab spoke.......
"Fuck ....... I'm pissed."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/22/2004 : 03:56:25
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Democrats might like this. And you need to go back a couple of months.
George Bush Question Time
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve."
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And fifth, where the fuck is Billy?"
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Montgomery
"F**k!"
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Posted - 11/22/2004 : 21:35:00
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quote:
Originally posted by MguyX
How many Dubiyas does it take to change a light bulb?
Dubiya: "What's a light bulb?"
How many Dubyas does it take to change a light bulb?
Dubya: We meant for the bulb to burn out. And no one had better challenge us on that or you're a traitor to our country.
EM :)
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Montgomery
"F**k!"
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Posted - 11/22/2004 : 22:01:46
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I've been reading through this thread and I just wanted to say I've really liked a lot of the jokes. I like the first one MguyX started the thread with best so far, I think. I'm on page 7 or 8.
Any way, good thread.
EM :)
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Jokes
