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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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 Posted - 11/23/2004 : 07:33:29
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An old lady was very upset as her husband Fitz had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Fitz was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Fitz before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Fitz was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit." Fritz's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/23/2004 : 07:49:28
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 This is just my sort of sickness. 
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Montgomery
"F**k!"
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Posted - 11/23/2004 : 15:55:57
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quote:
Originally posted by Conan the Reefer
An old lady was very upset as her husband Fitz had just passed away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. The mortician walked over to comfort her. Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest Fitz was wearing a black suit, and it was his fervent wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The mortician apologized and explained that traditionally they always put bodies in a black suit, but he'd see what he could arrange.
The next day she returned to the funeral parlour to have one last moment with Fitz before the funeral the following day. When the mortician pulled back the curtain, she managed a smile through her tears as Fitz was resplendent in a smart blue suit. She said to the mortician, "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit," the mortician replied. "His wife was quite upset because she wanted him buried in the traditional black suit." Fritz's wife smiled at the undertaker.
"After that," he continued, "it was just a matter of swapping the heads."
Eeee Gads!!!! Good one. EM :)
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 11/23/2004 : 16:39:03
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11:36 EST
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the Frog's penis!
 Falken
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 11/23/2004 : 23:38:29
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While doing research for a review, I came across this website.
Made me laugh
http://www.heptune.com/farts.html
Some very interesting Questions and Anwsers
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 11/24/2004 : 09:02:27
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
While doing research for a review, I came across this website.
Made me laugh
http://www.heptune.com/farts.html
Some very interesting Questions and Answers
I've got a class of boys who are going to find my new research topic fascinating. 
Who wouldn't be interested in the answers to such brilliant questions as:
When it's cold outside and you fart, can you see it like you can see your breath?
Is there such a thing as fossil farts?
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Edited by - Conan The Westy on 11/24/2004 10:01:10 |
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Pope George Ringo
"the Pope on stage"
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 11/24/2004 : 20:39:30
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Don't you just love what you can do with editing software?
BTW I keeping that one for myself. I'll let the kids search for it at home. 
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 11/25/2004 : 09:18:16
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quote:
Originally posted by Pope George Ringo
A little something to play for your class.http://www.miggy.net/multimedia/preacher.htm
So what happens when he follows through with people who ring up?
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/26/2004 : 10:49:10
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A tour bus driver with a bus full of old age pensioners drives down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and gives him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.
The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 11/29/2004 : 07:38:46
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Well, I just wanted to see whether Sean's resolve might wane if i waited. Sean knows, of course, that I cannot resist the bucking of convention. So here's the dirty joke, unedited and raw. Parental guidance is advised:
The Swearing Pianist
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's
the goddamn, motherfucking Manager you cocksucking arsewipe."
The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but
could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will
get the manager as soon as I can."
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken-fucking
manager of this fucking joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager,
"and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities
in this, a private restaurant".
"Fuck off, cunt!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fucking piano?"
"Pardon?" says the manager.
"Fucking deaf as well are we? You little snivelling piece of shit, show us
your bastard piano."
"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and
shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"
"Of course I fucking can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.
"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"
"I want to fuck your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my
knob," replies the pianist.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever
heard.
"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"
"I wanted a wank over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in
the soap drawer".
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic
ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.
"And what's this called?" asks the manager.
"As I fuck your wife up the arse under the stars with the moonlight
shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on. She's wearing an almost see-through dress, her tits are almost
falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is
riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs
slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is
dripping down her chin!
It's all too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle
with his bald-headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the
manager's voice..."Where's that bloody pianist?" He just has time to shoot
his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered
to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers
in his ear: "Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your
trousers and dripping jism on your shoes?".
"Know it?" the pianist replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/29/2004 : 07:55:48
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Well I'll say this for you MguyX, you've got balls!
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 11/29/2004 : 08:14:41
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I'd heard a severely edited version a few years ago. 
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 11/29/2004 : 10:45:57
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An Aussie was sitting with a Kiwi and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia,
sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden, Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life.
But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be
released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said:"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please be tieing a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Kiwi, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my
back". But even two pillows could only take 10 lashes before the whip went through again.
Before the Aussie could say something, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"As you are from a popular country, and your rugby team and your
cricketers are terrific, and your women skinny you can have two wishes!".
"Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness",The Aussie replies.
"My first wish is: " I would like to have 40 lashes."
"If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his
face, "and your second wish?"
"Tie the Kiwi to my back"
Sorry Sean
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/29/2004 : 11:19:37
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I had heard this one, with the roles reversed, of course. 
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Jokes
