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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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 Posted - 11/30/2004 : 18:41:39
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My dear brother sent me a good one yesterday which I thought I'd share.
Bruce and Tom were a couple of drinking buddies, who worked as airplane mechanics in Melbourne. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bruce said, "Man I wish we had something to drink". Tom said, "Me too. You know I have heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?"
So they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bruce wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels great. No hangovers! No bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings...it's Tom.
Tom says "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bruce says, "I feel great, how about you?"
Tom says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hang over?"
Bruce says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff. No hangovers - nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing......
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well don't, 'cos I'm in Adelaide."
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 11/30/2004 : 18:44:38
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I think SJ will enjoy this one.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 12/25/2004 : 22:37:08
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Here's some good advice:
How to avoid the flu ...
 Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
 OR .... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So......
I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).
The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 12/28/2004 : 15:58:59
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These are hilarious (depending on how you look at it)! Conan, you should appreciate these...aren't your students somewhere around the same age?
The following excerpts are (supposedly) actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!
Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for adults and therefore no time for war or arguments.
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Theides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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(This one is for AussieCanuck)
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
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On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he keptup in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
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Koli 
"Striving lackadaisically for perfection."
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Posted - 12/28/2004 : 20:49:09
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Just shows what can happen when you start thinking about what's for dinner during a history lesson. (Can they really be genuine?)
In today's (London) Times there's a letter from one David Taylor, who is currently helping a ticket agency sell tickets on the internet for the stage version of a (very successful and addictive) TV comedy called Little Britain.
He says that campaign statistics show the difficulty people have with spelling, and reports that:
 there have been 3,784 searches made on Google recently for 'Little Britian';
2,386 searches for 'Little Britan'
1,333 searches for 'Little Brittain'
 965 searches for 'Little Briton' and
 74 searches for 'Little Briatin'
As he says, makes you proud to be British, dunnit?
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 12/29/2004 : 09:32:40
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It's hard to mixspell 'Kiwi'.
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 01/06/2005 : 20:11:11
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Not so much a joke as observational humour set to me by my brother:
You know its a heat wave in Australia when.......
* The best parking space is determined by shade instead of distance.
* Hot water comes out of both taps.
* You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
* The temperature drops below 35�C (95�F) and you feel a little chilly.
* You discover that it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
* You discover that you can get sunburnt through your car window.
* You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
* You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30am.
* Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the road and cook to death?"
* You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
* Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to prevent them from
laying hard-boiled eggs.
* The cows are giving evaporated milk.
* The trees are whistling for the dogs.
* While walking back barefoot to your car from the beach, you do a tightrope act on the white lines in the carpark.
* You catch a cold from having the aircon full blast while you sleep during the night.
* You learn that K-Mart isn't a department store its a temple to
worship air-conditioning.
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Kariia 
"Nostach be Orch gaer."
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Kariia
"Nostach be Orch gaer."
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Posted - 01/08/2005 : 16:29:52
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Works for me...
Anyway, it was two topics like this:
Tsunami
Hello *waves*
xD
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 01/09/2005 : 04:49:26
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Well folks, this is it....The End of the internet for me, it was nice knowing all you guys. I would like to stay, but I have come to the end
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 01/13/2005 : 01:09:40
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The updated version of Birds & Bees
How Was I Born?
The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS:
Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male
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AC
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
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Posted - 01/15/2005 : 19:18:11
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It was a "Dark and Stormy Night Contest"
For you lovers of good writing, listed below are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Contest, aka the "Dark and Stormy Night Contest" run by the English Department of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:
10. "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9. "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8. "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7. "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6. "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5. "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4. "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3. "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2. "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS.....
1. "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,
"You lied!"
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 01/15/2005 : 20:00:28
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The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. ,20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation, under heavily armed guard, to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!
Cordially...
Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
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AC
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
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Posted - 01/16/2005 : 15:58:20
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Here's a fun little poem I found on my Shakespeare discussion list. It's meant for entertainment, not dissection, so I'm not particularly interested in getting into a fight about whether it's all exactly right or why things are the way they are. Just have a read and enjoy it!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes but the plural of ox
became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose
should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of
house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of
pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would
a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of
booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural
would never be hose, And the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak
of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never
say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him, But
imagine the feminine, she, shis, and shim.
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example . . . If you
have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough
on a tree!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for
granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, and grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one what do
you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I
think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to
an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at
a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. Finally, If
Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
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Jokes
