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Wheelz 
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
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 Posted - 01/19/2005 : 15:24:48
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A man was on his way to work one morning when he suddenly heard a voice say: �Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas.� Puzzled, he looked around, but seeing nobody who may have said these words, he shrugged it off.
Until the next day, when he heard the voice again: �Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas.�
On the way home, he heard the voice yet again: �Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas.�
He started to get a bit worried now. The next day he heard the voice at least ten times, always with the same message: �Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas.�
The next day he heard the voice every hour on the hour. Each day it became more frequent until eventually the message repeated constantly without break: �Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas. Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas. Quit your job. Sell your house. Take all your money and go to Las Vegas�.�
Finally, he could take it no more. �All right, all right!!� he shouted. �I�ll do it!!!� Suddenly, the voice stopped. The man, true to his word, quit his job, sold his house and all his possessions, and bought a one-way ticket to Vegas.
As he stepped off the plane, he heard the voice say: �Get in a cab and go to Caesar�s Palace.� He did.
As he got out of the cab, the voice said: �Go into the casino.� He did.
As he entered the casino, the voice said: �Go to the roulette table. He did.
As he stepped up to the roulette table, the voice said: �Put everything on 27.�
This was it. His heart pounded and his hands shook as he placed his entire life�s savings on number 27. Sweating, he watched the wheel spin and gasped as the ball fell into number� 9.
And the voice said: "Aw, Fuck!"
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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 01/25/2005 : 03:08:37
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Candidates for the Darwin Award
True Stories
LICENSE TO STEAL
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper
of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper
off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain
still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached
to the chain, and their license plate still attached
to the bumper.
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in
line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter,
the customs official thought it odd that the golfer
didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked
the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards.
A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf
bag.
MADE FOR TV
"Guns For Hire", an Arizona company specializing in
staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from
a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot.
She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay
$9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison
sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged
check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more
years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot
him.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed
for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that
the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was
driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers
must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon
Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell
and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners
entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with
a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The
judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years
for a schoolteacher to appear before this court", he
smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and
write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred
times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little
bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years
for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a
kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001
years.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 04:47:30
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A ventriloquist visiting Wicklow, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Wicklowman "Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar!"
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 06:47:01
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C'mon, 'fess up. It was a New Zealand joke the first time you heard it wasn't it? 
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 08:12:08
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quote:
Originally posted by Conan the Fisherman
C'mon, 'fess up. It was a New Zealand joke the first time you heard it wasn't it?
Actually it wasn't, I posted it verbatim from an email circular (from Ireland obviously), but I knew that one of you Aussies would say that!  What took you so long?
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 08:40:46
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I wrote it as soon as I saw it.
It should have been foxy but I'm filling in while he is away.
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Wheelz
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 14:44:18
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An Irishman walked into a bar in Chicago, sat down and ordered three pints of Guinness, served to him all at once. The bartender thought this to be an odd request, but he drew the three pints and set them down in front of the Irishman. The man lifted the first glass, took a sip, set it down; lifted the second glass, took a sip, set it down; lifted the third glass, took a sip, set it down; began again with the first glass and continued in this manner until all three pints were empty. He then thanked the bartender and turned to go.
"Wait," said the bartender. "I hope you don't mind me asking, but I'm curious. Why did you order three pints at once and drink them one sip at a time like that?"
"Ah, well," replied the Irishman, "I've got two brothers and we're very close. We used to go out together for a pint o' Guinness every night. But now I've had to move to the States for me job. So every night, I'll be orderin' three pints: one fer Paddy, one fer Liam, and one fer meself. Back home they're doin' the same fer me. That way, we still can drink together even though we're apart."
Sure enough, the Irishman returned the next night, ordered three pints of Guinness, and drank them in the same manner as before. Soon he became a fixture at the bar, and was well liked by all the other regulars. And every night, of course, he drank three pints of Guinness in the same manner.
One night, though, he sat down and said, "I'll have two pints of Guinness, please."
"Did you say two pints?" asked the bartender.
"That's right," said the Irishman.
Quietly, the bartender drew the two pints, and the entire bar watched in stunned silence as the Irishman took one sip from the first glass, then from the next, until both pints were empty.
Finally he looked up and said, "What the devil is everyone bein' so quiet fer?"
The bartender replied, "It's just that we're very sorry about your brother. Was it Paddy or Liam?"
The Irishman wore a puzzed look for a moment and then grinned. "Oh, no, no!" He said. "Me brothers are fine... I've just given up drinking!"
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Edited by - Wheelz on 01/27/2005 14:46:42 |
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lemmycaution 
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 15:35:00
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Thank goodness we Canadians are too dull to make jokes about. 
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Wheelz
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
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Posted - 01/27/2005 : 16:05:39
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quote:
Originally posted by lemmycaution
Thank goodness we Canadians are too dull to make jokes about.
Give me time... I'll find something!
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Joe Blevins
"Don't I look handsome?"
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Posted - 01/31/2005 : 04:06:12
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quote:
Originally posted by lemmycaution
Thank goodness we Canadians are too dull to make jokes about.
Q: What do you call a Canadian fireman?
A: A Hoser
Q: What's another name for a Canadian Mountie?
A: Canadian Bacon.
Q: Why does hockey only have three periods?
A: Canadians can't count to four.
Q: What's difference between a Canadian and a canoe?
A: A canoe tips.
 A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
A Canadian woman doesn't worry if her shoes fit her feet as long as they fit in the plastic bag she carries them in from October to April.
Q: How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
A: "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the pool?"
The College was asked by Statistics Canada to provide some employment information, including, "How many people do you employ, broken down by sex?" The person filling in the form entered this comment: "Not many; most of our staff is broken down by booze."
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Wheelz
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
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Posted - 01/31/2005 : 15:03:02
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(Fair Warning: The third one is a bit off-color. Read at your own risk!)
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
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One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Canadian too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
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Two Canadians are sitting in a bar, and getting bored. They decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian tries to think of a word and after a little pondering comes up with the word: moosecock.
The second Canadian tries his first question, "Is it something good to eat?"
The first guy thinks a moment then laughs and replies "Sure, I suppose you could eat it."
The second Canadian says, "Is it a moosecock?
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Edited by - Wheelz on 01/31/2005 22:08:43 |
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 01/31/2005 : 22:22:54
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The Internet's great for findin' stuff, eh!
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 02/01/2005 : 16:31:19
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Subject: Who was Jesus?
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
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But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
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But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
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But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
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But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was one at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
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But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
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But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3 And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 02/02/2005 : 15:53:32
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Just to help you with that competitive edge ...
Giving 100% +
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Here's to achieving 103% !!
Here's a little maths that might prove helpful in the future:
What makes life 100% ??
IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26
THEN:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
BUT:
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
HOWEVER:
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
Give it all you've got . .
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 02/03/2005 : 03:26:59
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This one is for thefoxboy (and any other dog lovers).
Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.
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Jokes
