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Joe Blevins 
"Don't I look handsome?"
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 Posted - 02/06/2005 : 18:49:40
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In another thread, I have extolled the virtues of Mad magazine -- a source I frequently pilfer for FWFR puns. Here is a brilliant observation from Mad #185 (SEPT '76):
WHEN YOU'RE DOWN AND OUT:
You peep at X-rated movies in penny arcades.
WHEN YOU'RE JUST GETTING BY:
You watch X-rated movies in theaters.
WHEN YOU'RE MAKING IT:
You rent X-rated movies and show them at home.
WHEN YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE HEAP:
You date the star.
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 02/06/2005 : 19:58:32
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
This one is for thefoxboy (and any other dog lovers). 
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.
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Edited by - thefoxboy on 02/23/2005 20:04:36 |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 02/12/2005 : 16:26:46
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SOME PROBING QUESTIONS...
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes ...why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because... he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears ...does his mother wash his hands off with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself ... is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go ...to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued ...can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings ...be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell ...is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime ... do they tell him he has the right
to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (I know there's a logical explanation, but it escapes me)
20. How do they get deer to cross the road ...only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? (think about it  )
24. Do infants enjoy infancy ...as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!#&%$!!!# ?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns ...do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto ...would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed ...which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"... instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called "tourist season" if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times ... does he become disoriented?
Not sure whom to attribute these, but they kind of sound like George Carlin.
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 02/20/2005 : 10:46:23
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For those who have seen or heard the classic Abbott and
Costello routine, "Who's On First", here's an up-dated
version:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have a report about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the
new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's
dead in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N.
on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the
guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on
the phone.
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 02/20/2005 : 11:26:37
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
SOME PROBING QUESTIONS...
Not sure whom to attribute these, but they kind of sound like George Carlin.
Might be Steven Wright? Anyone?
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 02/21/2005 : 01:55:50
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Could someone rearrange the letters in the following two words:
new door
to make one word?
Note: there is only one correct answer.
thanks
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/21/2005 : 02:27:12
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
Could someone rearrange the letters in the following two words:
new door
to make one word?
Note: there is only one correct answer.
thanks
Got it, but I won't spoil the party.
Edit: Almost right Conan, but the correct answer to the question (inviso below) is
Yes. |
Edited by - Sean on 02/21/2005 10:55:38 |
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 02/21/2005 : 08:38:36
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I know too
I'll answer in invisotext in the next reply.
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Edited by - Conan The Westy on 02/21/2005 08:44:54 |
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 02/21/2005 : 08:46:40
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One word
I was just proving the correct answer. 
X = (8.5 + Men)/3  |
Edited by - Conan The Westy on 02/21/2005 19:01:26 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/21/2005 : 23:44:29
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Some dumb short jokes.
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........
you'd think at least one of them would
have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message -
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key".
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high"
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in
>hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it".
12. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home', that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common?" Doc replies, "It's not unusual".
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?". "Well", said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
"How's that?"
"Don't you start".
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a >fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my >family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round". The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice".
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said,"Well don't go there anymore".
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night .
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/21/2005 : 23:59:29
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And more...
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said,"Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. At my age I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
9. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
10. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
11. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying,"Shit...that was fun!"
12. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting �clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
13. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
14. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply �press "Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
15. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 02/23/2005 : 20:05:10
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/26/2005 : 02:22:48
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On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse 'neighed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "willy" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
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When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks!
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duh 
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 02/26/2005 : 14:16:52
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This joke dates from the era of the Yuppie.
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There was a handsome, vain Yuppie New Yorker who prided himself on his appearance. Nowadays, we would call him a "metrosexual" I suppose.
Anyhow, one day as he stood naked before his full length mirror, admiring his physique, as he was wont to do, he realized that *HORRORS* his skin was as pale as the belly of a fish. This made him look entirely too nerdy, he thought.
He could have gone to a tanning parlor, but that would have been beneath him. So, he booked a flight out to California for the weekend. (Yuppies did that kind of thing.)
He went to a beach wearing nothing but his precious little Speedo, and prepared to get properly tanned. (This was the 80's, remember? Suntanning was still cool.)
When the weekend was over, he flew back to New York and again, looked at himself nude in his mirror.
ALAS! Where his Speedo had been, was a pasty white triangle that made a humorous contrast with the bronze of the rest of his skin. This simply would not do!
So, when Friday rolled around again, he flew back out to Calfornia and went back to the beach.
This time, he removed his Speedo and then carefully buried himself in sand, exposing only the area of the pasty white triangle and accouterments thereof.
An hour or so later, two very elderly ladies came along, hobbling down the shoreline, enjoying nature.
The ladies spotted our out of state visitor and were obviously shocked. One turned to the other and said, "Eloise, when I was 18 I was scared of it. When I was 30 I couldn't get enough of it. When I was 60 I had to pay for it. And now that I'm 80, I find it growing wild!"
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Wheelz
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
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Posted - 03/03/2005 : 15:26:13
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Here's one for the upcoming Tax Season (here in the US anyway):
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the Books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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Jokes
