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Batty 
"By name and nature"
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 Posted - 05/30/2004 : 14:03:53
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Aaaaaaah, that's what happened...
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 06/01/2004 : 12:32:16
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this."
He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler 's arm. He says "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I 'm making a note of this and her seat."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside
a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I 'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What 's going on?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the cabin crew has assured them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately after that. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots uniforms - both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit,the door closes, and the engines start up The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a
little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realise that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, glancing at each other while nodding their heads, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
The Best "Dear John" Letter ever.
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any Snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There
were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take Care, Ricky
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/03/2004 : 00:12:38
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A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 06/08/2004 : 03:15:26
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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring
it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his
last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot
cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him
across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He
walked
slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there.
The
big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again.
The
same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the
groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug
left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The
cockroach
was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a
heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the
preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 06/08/2004 : 10:39:06
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were ...swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks
that patrolled the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated
at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious
cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself
becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam
away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his
new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.
He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not
involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the
gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's
Christian?" he asked.
"He's at home,distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.
As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again!"
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
......."I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian"
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 06/08/2004 : 11:31:27
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Groan. 
Did Uncle Noel tell you that one??
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 06/08/2004 : 12:40:03
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quote:
Originally posted by Conan the Muppet
Groan.
Did Uncle Noel tell you that one??
No, but I'd bet he wished he had.
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 06/10/2004 : 00:00:00
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Uncle Noel sounds like a funny man 
I liked it 
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Edited by - thefoxboy on 06/10/2004 00:46:17 |
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 06/10/2004 : 01:51:14
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Uncle Noel (and to a lesser extent his brothers, Ian & Graeme and my late grandfather) is the reason that Mark and I turned out the way we did.
Christmas was a regular groan-fest and not just because of over-eating.
He's a Baptist pastor and has the highest ratio of jokes to spiritual points of any preacher in the country.
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Batty
"By name and nature"
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Posted - 06/10/2004 : 12:28:43
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I find his jokes quite divine. Holy smoke, he's a master of myrrth! Was he like this in the Pastor is it a recent thing? Humor like that is a godsend. Some people mash up a joke and pulpit into pieces; but he really is in-spire-ing.
I'm done
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 06/10/2004 : 13:13:23
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Oi vey
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 06/21/2004 : 10:46:31
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Hopefully these two are an improvement on the last one.
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.
"Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy.
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.
"Oh thanks for coming Paddy."
He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table. Paddy looks as the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says "Murphy you twat, put the Cornflakes back in the packet.
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.
After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.
'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cries all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'
'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'
'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'
(Does that make him an Aberdeen Angus?)
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 06/21/2004 : 10:50:21
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He sent them to me to post but I left them to him. 
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 06/24/2004 : 04:33:17
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Medications for Women D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?" B U Y A G R A Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree. J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. N A G A M E N T When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. 
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/24/2004 : 23:02:14
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For those of you who don't know, Delia Smith is a TV chef here in the UK
Here is "Delia's Way - v - The Real Woman's Way", dedicated to my wife, a real woman.
Delia's Way
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
The Real Woman's Way
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Delia's Way
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Woman's Way
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.
Delia's Way
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Woman's Way
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.
Delia's Way
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in
a potato slice.
The Real Woman's Way
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."
Delia's Way
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
The Real Woman's Way
It could keep forever. Who eats it?
Delia's Way
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
The Real Woman's Way
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white over the crust.
Delia's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
The Real Woman's Way
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but who gives a shit?
Delia's Way
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Woman's Way
Why do I have a man?
And finally the most important tip ...
Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Woman's Way
Leftover wine???? HELLO!!!!!
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Jokes
