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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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 Posted - 05/17/2004 : 12:13:35
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HEAVEN
French cooks
English police
German cars
Italian lovers
Swiss management
HELL
English cooks
French cars
German police
Swiss lovers
Italian management
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Batty
"By name and nature"
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Posted - 05/21/2004 : 11:51:58
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Quasi Modo is leaping around the cathedral towers one day. Suddenly he slips, bangs his face on a bell, falls a hundred meters to the ground below and is squashed. The police ask a passer-by the corpse's name, to which the man replies;
"Dunno, but his face rings a bell."
Eventually the poor dead hunchback's brother, Mojo Modo, replaces him at the cathedral, only to slip and fall as well. He is squashed too. The police ask a passer-by his name, to which the man replies;
"Dunno, but he's a dead ringer for his brother..."
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Edited by - Batty on 05/21/2004 11:52:50 |
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 05/21/2004 : 23:11:53
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(That last joke seems to have inspired a review!)
A gent was travelling by airplane one day and happened to be seated next to a precocious youngster who seemed intent in a book he had just opened.
"Let's talk," said the gent to the lad. "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow
passenger."
The young lad looked up and closed his book slowly, "What would you like to discuss, sir?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the gent. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said the boy. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, which is the same stuff. But when it comes out, a deer will excrete little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the gent, scratching his head, "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said the lad as he opened his book again, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when, by your own admission, you don't know shit about shit?"
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 05/23/2004 : 10:34:04
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quote:
Originally posted by Mguyx
(That last joke seems to have inspired a review!)
http://www.fwfr.com/display.asp?ID=2047
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said "Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"
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Koli
"Striving lackadaisically for perfection."
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Posted - 05/23/2004 : 13:32:29
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The previous one reminded me of an old story...
A young man goes round to his girlfriend's house. It's a special day, because her parents are away for the weekend, and she'd said that she might be prepared to 'go all the way' when they next had the opportunity. So on the way he buys a bunch of red roses.
She takes the flowers off him and asks him to wait while she nips upstairs for a short time. After a few minutes she calls him upstairs. He goes into her bedroom and sees that she's naked, spreadeagled on the bed. She points between her thighs and says, "this is for the flowers".
"Haven't you got a vase?", says the obviously dim lad.
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 05/23/2004 : 17:23:37
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Loved the Tarzan joke!
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do".
"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 05/23/2004 : 19:15:17
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LOL, Bife 
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Downtown
"Welcome back, Billy Buck"
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Posted - 05/24/2004 : 04:48:06
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So this naked lady walks into a bar. She's carrying a poodle under one arm, and a two foot salami in the other. She puts the poodle on the bar. The bartender asks, "I suppose you won't be buying a drink, right?"
The naked lady says...
Oh shit, what's the punchline?
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 02:01:51
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An oldie but here goes:
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her
husband is at work.
Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in
the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she
hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. ! I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says,"$1,000." The father says, "That's
terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is
way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy
sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says,
"Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 02:25:01
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Umm ... I already told that one on page 3. So now you have to come up with two more! 
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 02:36:02
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damn.....gimme time
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 02:56:48
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Sorry to any blondes out there
1.
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
Sorry about this one TOO
2.
Q.....What has 2 legs and bleeds?
A.....Half a cat
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Kruegerbait 
"Not known as Joss"
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 04:39:56
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Mary has just bought a parrot, and is showing it to her friend Jane.
Mary.... I'm not sure about this parrot, it's previous owners ran a brothel.
Parrot.... Show us your cock. Show us your cock.
Jane.... Oh dear, what will your husband George think about you buying something like that?
Parrot.... Touch my tits. Touch my tits.
Mary.... Yes he's very stuck up, I'd best take it back to the pet shop right now.
Too late, the front door opens. George is home from work. He walks into the living room.
Parrot.... Hi George, same as usual.
One last quick old joke.
Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Liquidize it.
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Edited by - Kruegerbait on 05/25/2004 05:07:33 |
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 13:23:28
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Number 1
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Number 2, for all the FWFR Canadians
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"
"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/25/2004 : 23:16:49
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Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called -(Beer)- The drug is found in liquid form and available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer' and the women administering it..... there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly affected like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.
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Jokes
