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Mark8884 
"No longer lazy student"
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 Posted - 04/24/2004 : 17:18:38
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This has to be my favourite email forward. It's done the rounds a bit so appologies if you have already seen it.
These are the things people actually said in US courts, taken down and published by court reporters - who suffered the torment of trying to keep straight faces while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent; don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or The occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next
morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did
you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But the patient could still have been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/26/2004 : 05:19:46
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Lawyers
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute stops screwing you when you're dead.
There was a dead, run-over rabbit on the road. A mile further down the road was a dead run-over lawyer.
Q: What was the difference between the two?
A: The dead rabbit had skid marks in front of it.
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 04/26/2004 : 08:59:00
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A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Mom:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it.
Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of
myself.
Some day I'll visit you to show you your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
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Batty
"By name and nature"
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Posted - 04/26/2004 : 13:58:27
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a lawyer is taking a shortcut through a country paddock on a hot summer's day. he steps in a cow pat, loks down, and sees the dark poo coming off his black shoe, and says;
"oh no, i'm melting!"
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 05/06/2004 : 21:29:19
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No 1
John goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, John" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks boss, I knew I could count on you!"
No 2
Two men went golfing. One man took his pipe out of his gold bag and asked the other one if he had a lighter. The other man pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter and handed it to him. The first man said "Where did you get that?"
The second man said, "From my genie." The man pulled a lamp out of his bag and rubbed it. The genie appeared and asked what he wanted. He said a million bucks and the genie went back into the lamp. As soon as he disappeared, a million ducks flew overhead.
"Wait a minute," the first man said, "that�s not what you asked for."
The second man said, "My genie has bad hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch Bic?"
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 05/07/2004 : 11:38:05
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A man and a woman, who had never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping car on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 a. m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold!"
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow, that's a great idea!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/11/2004 : 12:48:30
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A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.
"Och huv ye no got anythin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use ony anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist.
"Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin'
session and have yoor student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman, hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll
charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist.
"Och noo yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/11/2004 : 12:55:13
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One day, while a wood-cutter was cutting a branch off a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.
When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The wood-cutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed it to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and re-appeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river bank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes', you would have given all three to me.
Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
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Edited by - Conan The Westy on 05/11/2004 12:59:56 |
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/12/2004 : 09:52:30
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Why Men Die First
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're a pansy.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her.....that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't........you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape..............you're sexist.
If you don't.................you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't................you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't....................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........ you're full of yourself.
If you don't....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't..........there must be someone else.
Men die first because............................
........................................... they want to
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 05/13/2004 : 05:24:52
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LOL 
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 05/14/2004 : 20:35:54
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A gent was sitting on his porch just a whittlin the time away on a hot summer's day when he saw a lad dragging a large amount of chicken wire.
"What cha gonna do with all that chicken wire?" He yelled out.
"Gonna catch me some chickens!" said the kid.
The older guy laughed. "You don't catch chickens with chicken wire."
The kid shrugged his shoulders and kept going. A couple hours later, the kid returned, going back in the direction whence he came, dragging a crude contraption made of chicken wire with, amazingly, a number of chickens trapped inside.
The next day, the old guy sees the kid walking by with an armload of duct tape.
"What cha gonna do with all that duct tape?" he yelled out.
"Gonna catch me some ducks!"
The old fella chuckled. "Well, I can see you probably haven't gotten that far in your spelling, but duct tape is for ducts: D-U-C-T, not D-U-C-K, and you don't catch ducks with it."
The kid shrugged his shoulders and went on his way. A couple of hours later, the kid came back, going the way he originally came, dragging what looked like a huge ball of duct tape with, amazingly, a large number of ducks taped together.
The next day, the old guy saw the same kid walk by with an arm-load of branches. The old guy chuckled and scratched his head.
"What in the hell ya got there today?" He yelled out.
"Pussywillows!" yelled the kid.
"Hold on," said the old guy, "I'll get my hat."
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 05/14/2004 : 22:33:15
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Number 1
A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich,
$4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."
He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
She said, "Yeah."
He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."
Number 2 (sorry for this one)
A man walked into a shoe store and flopped his donger on the counter.
The sales lady said, "That's not a foot!"
The man replied, "No, but it's a good ten inches."
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/15/2004 : 15:36:18
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Quick Thinking
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a
nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what
was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue
lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened
her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the
13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse
for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a
cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
The Attorney
There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very
taxing day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Rene Wright, who was
due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency
to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of
night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a
long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told
that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went
upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent
naked over the bath cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying
out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/15/2004 : 15:37:07
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DISCLAIMER: I apologise for the following racial stereotypes
INSULTING ALL NATIONALITIES
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on the same absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a m�nage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either .
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Jokes
