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Cheese_Ed 
"The Provolone Ranger"
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 Posted - 03/18/2004 : 22:29:04
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Mmmm, yeah, cheese will do that for you.
I have to say, I'm pretty pleased with how frequently cheese comes up in all of the various fourums. Cheese to that, everybody.
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Markandlain 
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 03/21/2004 : 11:04:28
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Children's Books That Didn't Make It:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
5. Kathy Was So Bad, Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
6. Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
7. All Cats Go To Hell
8. Grandpa Gets a Casket
9. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
12. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
13. Your Nightmares are Real
14. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
15. You've Got Hepatitis B, Charlie Brown
16. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
17. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/21/2004 : 22:34:02
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This bloke has both of his ears sliced off in an accident, so he puts
them in a carrier bag and gets the bus to the hospital.
When he gets to the hospital, he suddenly realises he's left his ears
on the bus, and with blood pissing out the side of his head he hasn't
got time to go and find them.
So he gets in to see the doctor, who tells him that he can sew some
pigs ears on to replace the original ones. He's a bit dubious at
first, but the doc assures him that everything will be OK.
Anyway, the operation is a success, and the doc takes off the
bandages and gives the bloke a mirror to check out his new lugs.
"They're a bit big aren't they doctor?" said the man.
"Nah, they'll be fine, they'll just take some getting used to, that's
all," he replies.
"They're a bit hairy aren't they doctor," says the patient.
"Well they are, but that won't be a problem, just shave them every
morning with your normal razor," replies the doctor.
"Doctor, will I be able to hear OK out of my new pigs ears," says the
patient.
And the doctor replies....
"Probably, though you may get a bit of crackling."
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Mark8884 
"No longer lazy student"
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Posted - 03/22/2004 : 11:52:39
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A few comedy related links I've enjoyed recently...
fark.com
Bizarre and funny news links from around the world
zug.com
Prank letters to multi-national companies (The American Airlines one is a classic)
BBC Comedy : Rainbow
Video of Zippy, Bungle etc getting smutty. ("Rainbow" was a very popular 70s kids show here in the UK.)
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/09/2004 : 06:46:10
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A doctor says to his male patient "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient replies "Tell me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "You have terminal cancer, it is inoperable, and you will likely die within six months."
The patient, dejected, then asks, "What's the good news?"
The doctor leans in close and says with a sly grin, "You know that really cute receptionist out front?'
The patient, perking up a little says "Yeah?"
The doctor adds, "The one with that gorgeous body who always wears those really sexy clothes?"
The patient, getting more excited, says "Yeah?"
The doctor whispers "She finally let me sleep with her last night."
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 04/11/2004 : 22:53:26
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LOL, Mguyx
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to
show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow
with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the
wall screamed, "For Christ sake, it's twenty to two in the morning!"
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/17/2004 : 07:35:37
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A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things.
"Watch how I do it" said the old-timer to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him, "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass."
"You've got a good poihnt there," said the man, "And I do need to get a new mower. Sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."
A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"
"Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 04/17/2004 : 20:21:18
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Number 1:
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
Number 2:
Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.
While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."
Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."
"I know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them."
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Mr Savoir Faire 
"^ Click my name. "
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Posted - 04/22/2004 : 03:04:52
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Let me try a couple:
A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. Prompty, he orders ten pints for the giraffe. Everyone in the bar watches his pet guzzle down nine pints, but on the tenth one, the long-necked beast falls over dead. The man turns and starts to walk out the door when the bartender yells "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man yells back, "It's not a lion! It's a giraffe!"
How many John Kerrys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. He only promises change!
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/22/2004 : 04:08:01
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How many Dubiyas does it take to change a light bulb?
Dubiya: "What's a light bulb?"
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 04/23/2004 : 07:47:19
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Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were not working, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.
Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........ (scroll)
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ........
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys. His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.
Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....
The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .........still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed some Benedryl cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 04/23/2004 : 08:45:04
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aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh
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Mr Savoir Faire
"^ Click my name. "
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Posted - 04/23/2004 : 13:37:42
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A scientist had just figured out a syrum to make dolphins live forever. Unfortuanately, he needed a rare sea bird to finish making the syrum. He read in the paper of the new rare sea bird at the zoo and decided to steal it, so, he went to the zoo. Unbeknownst to the scientist, a lion had escaped from its cage and laid down in front of the zoo's exit to sleep. The scientist took the bird from the exhibit, put it in a cage, and proceeded to walk out of the zoo when he noticed the lion asleep in front of the exit. There was no way to walk around it, and it looked harmless, so he stepped over the lion to get out of the zoo. Immediately, hundreds of law enforcers arrested the scientist. The Charge?: Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal purpoises.
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/23/2004 : 15:36:42
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quote:
Originally posted by bife
aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/23/2004 : 16:46:33
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you something amazing, will you give me a free beer?"
The bartender agrees, so the guy puts a hamster on the bar. The hamster starts dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.
"That's amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy a free beer.
"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?"
The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a frog, placing them next to the hamster. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog sings several arias from "La Boheme" that bring everyone in the bar to tears.
The bartender, completely floored, gives the man another beer.
Another man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a large sum of money, which the frog-owner accepts in cash.
"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."
Gulping down the remainder of his beer, the man whispers to the bartender, as he whisks the hamster into his pocket, "Can you keep a secret?" The bartender says yes. The man whispers back before hurreiedly leaving, "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
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Jokes
