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Chopper 
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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 Posted - 03/10/2004 : 17:55:47
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Cheltenham Jockey
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well ahead of the field.
Suddenly he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered.
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/10/2004 : 17:58:50
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A man goes sky-diving for the first time.
After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the aeroplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.
He tries again. Still nothing.
He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.
Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air , but this guy is travelling up towards him!
Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas cookers?"
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/10/2004 : 21:18:30
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I don't understand the "Jockey" story. Is there a cultural reference that I'm missing?
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Al Swearengen 
"Sneaking in an extra word."
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Posted - 03/10/2004 : 21:28:20
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quote:
Originally posted by Mguyx
I don't understand the "Jockey" story. Is there a cultural reference that I'm missing?
It took me a few minutes too. "Picnic hamper" in the UK = "picnic basket" in the US.
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/10/2004 : 21:41:05
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OHHHHHHH! I get it now! Without you Thulsa, I'd be doomed. 
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/10/2004 : 22:59:33
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How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp, and even. 
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/12/2004 : 16:42:10
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Steve and Fiona were making passionate love in Steve's Transit van when suddenly Fiona, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Steve, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Steve, let alone that she allowed the kinky bastard to whip her, eventually admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/12/2004 : 16:49:55
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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/14/2004 : 19:35:49
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I don't usually pass on news like this, but sometimes we need to
pause and remember what life is about. There was a great loss
recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit
native who wrote the song Hokey Kokey, died last week at 83.
It was especially difficult for the family to get him in the casket.
They'd put his left leg in and --- well, things just started downhill
from there.
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/17/2004 : 10:52:39
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
That same dog noticed a horse sitting down at the end of the bar and said to the horse "Why the long face?"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
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Edited by - MguyX on 03/17/2004 11:12:38 |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/17/2004 : 11:32:03
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A study in Wisconsin showed the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ markedly, depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
If she is menstruating, however, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his backside.
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Edited by - MguyX on 03/18/2004 02:48:42 |
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 03/18/2004 : 12:50:37
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LMHO, Mguyx
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/18/2004 : 19:14:40
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The job market is tough. A friend of mine spent numerous years in medical school. He's trying to find a job as a gynocologist, but he just can't seem to find an opening.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/18/2004 : 20:40:27
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A little boy wanted to know what it was like to have �1,000. His
mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but
nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter
requesting the �1,000.
When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they
opened it and decided to send it to the Prime Minister. Tony Blair
was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy �20. He thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the �20 and sat down to write
a thank-you letter, which read as follows; "Dear God: Thank you
very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it
through the government. As usual, those thieving bastards deducted
�980 for tax."
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/18/2004 : 20:41:25
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I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me.
By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally
found Inner peace........
The article read:
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and
hadn't finished.... and before coming to work this morning I have
finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of
Jim Beam, my Prozac, some valium, a small box of chocolates and 2
litres of Fosters, a 1/2 can of cider, a large reefer and some
cheese.
You have no idea how f**king good I feel....
You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace
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Jokes
