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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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 Posted - 02/19/2004 : 07:38:56
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Thanks for the corrections (hence my initial disclaimer). I rarely trust email information, so you have demonstrated that, once again, one cannot believe nigh on anything received by email. Good on you mate! 
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 02/19/2004 : 18:05:49
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As Valentine's day has just passed by, this is the most topical thing I could find:
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most
romantic first line... but the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the entries they received:
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 02/25/2004 : 08:41:11
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A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," she hears him mumble from behind the mask, which somewhat muffles his voice, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet"
He struggles again to ask, and she hears "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, the young nurse pulls back the covers, raises the man's gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say's, "there's nothing wrong with them!"
Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was pleasant but, are...my...test...results...back?"
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Chopper 
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 02/25/2004 : 19:11:26
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For all you engineers out there (sadly this is a bit close to the truth!)
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
"The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
"The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. "The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" They asked. He replied, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 02/29/2004 : 23:04:11
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Sean Connery has fallen on hard times. All work has dried up and he's just sitting at home twiddling his thumbs.
Suddenly the phone rings, and Sean answers it. It's his agent, and Sean gets very excited.
The agent says, "Sean, I've got a job for you. Starts tomorrow, but you've got to get there early, for 10ish."
Sean frowns and replies "10ish? But I haven't even got a racquet."
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/01/2004 : 08:27:16
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Good one, Chris C.! 
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/02/2004 : 14:23:04
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A woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband walking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/02/2004 : 14:53:19
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I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres! So I called him a piece of horse shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/02/2004 : 15:03:38
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Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.
Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/02/2004 : 15:05:48
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A newspaper reporter and his date are sitting in an urban beer-garden at the top of a 40 story building, having a few drinks when a drunken acquaintance, barges in and sits down at their table. After a few drinks the reporter starts in with a strange story:
"You know on a windy day like this you can actually jump over the railing here and the wind will blow you right back up."
The drunk has a good laugh with this and then challenges the reporter:
"OK, why don't you show us how that works?"
And the reporter does just that, walks over to the railing and without hesitation leaps over the edge, disappears for a few seconds, pops back up and lands right back on the safe side of the railing. The drunk is stunned.
"Wow, that is the most incredible thing I have ever seen! I have got to try that!"
And without a moment's pause the drunk leaps over the railing and falls like a brick 40 flights to his death. The reporter's date is shocked by all this and blurts out:
"You know Clark, I don't care if you're superman or not. You get a couple of drinks in you and you can be a real bastard."
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/02/2004 : 21:07:36
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A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
One day, her young son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
Unexpectedly, the woman�s husband comes home as well.
She tells her lover to hide in the closet, whereupon the lover sees the little boy.
�Dark in here.� The boy whispers. �Sure is� the man whispers back, somewhat relieved.
�I have a baseball� the boy whispers. �That�s nice� whispers the man.
�Want to buy it?� the boy asks. �No, thanks� the man whispers in reply.
�My dad�s outside� whispers the boy. �OK, how much?� whispers the man. �$100� whispers the boy.
Several weeks later, it happened again that the boy and the lover were in the closet together.
�Dark in here.� The boy whispers. �Yes, it sure is� the man whispers back.
�I have a baseball glove� the boy whispers. Remembering their last meeting, the lover asks �How much?� The boy replies �$300.� �Fine� says the lover.
A few days later, the father says to the boy, �Grab your glove, let�s go outside and play some catch.� The boy says, �I can�t, I sold my baseball and my glove.� The father asks, �How much did you sell them for?� The boy replies �$400.�
The father says �What? How could you overcharge your friends like that? Son, that amount is way more than those two things cost or are worth. I sure hope you didn�t tell a fib to sell those items for that much. I�m going to take you to church and make you confess.�
The father takes the boy to the church and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, whereupon he closes the door. The boy says, �Dark in here.� The priest replies, �Don�t start with that again!�
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Chopper
"Unofficial Yorkshire boozing champion"
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Posted - 03/03/2004 : 12:17:16
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Recent letter found in a personal problems advice column
From Gavin of Wellington, New Zealand.
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy. My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to a guy from Liverpool, England.
My Father and Mother have recently been charged for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fianc�e utilising her knowledge of the industry, working as the manager.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fianc�e and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?
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Pope George Ringo 
"the Pope on stage"
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Posted - 03/06/2004 : 08:00:34
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I was rushing around trying to get some last
minute shopping done. It was dark,
cold, and wet in the car park as I loaded my
car up with the gifts I felt obligated
to buy. I noticed that I was missing the
receipt which I would need to get out
of the car park, so mumbling under my breath,
I retraced my steps. As I was
searching the wet pavement for the lost
receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The
crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of
about 10 years old. He was
short and thin. He had no coat. He was just
wearing a ragged flannel shirt to
protect him from the cold evenings chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding two fifty
pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he had
got lost from his parents, I asked
him what was wrong and he told me his sad story.
He said that he came from a large family. He
had three brothers and four sisters.
His father had died when he was seven years
old. His mother was poorly
educated and worked two full time jobs to make
ends met. Nevertheless, she
had managed to scrimp and save two hundred
pounds to buy her children
Christmas presents. The young boy had been
dropped off, by his mother, on the
way to her second job. He was to use the money
to buy presents for all his
brothers and sisters and save just enough to
take the bus home. He had not
even entered the shopping centre, when an
older boy grabbed two of his fifty
pound notes and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?"
The boy stared at the ground and sadly shook
his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I enquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly
whispered, "Help me!" I realized that
absolutely no one could have heard that poor
boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes
and ran off.
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Rovark
"Luck-pushing, rule-bending, chance-taking reviewer"
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Posted - 03/06/2004 : 22:16:11
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WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me"
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/10/2004 : 08:26:43
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Marital sex has several distinct phases.
For the first five years it's "Wild Sex," where you have sex whenever and wherever you can.
For the next ten yers it's only "Bedroom Sex," where you confine your sexual contact to the bedroom.
Then, for the next 20 years it's "Hallway Sex," where you just pass each other in the hall and say "Fuck you." "Yeah, fuck you too."
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Jokes
