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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
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 Posted - 01/27/2004 : 00:06:05
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There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been
considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the @#$% do you mean we're sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"
-- Picasso, 1926
9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"
-- Custer, 1877
8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
7. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
6. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
5. "Where the @#$% am I?"
-- Amelia Earhart, 1937
4. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
3. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1999
2. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."
-- Sadaam Hussein, 2003
and a drum roll. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
1. "What the @%#*^ was I thinking!"
-- benj clews, 2004 
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 01/27/2004 : 00:30:23
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Brewster the Rooster
Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time; so, Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all! Zeb went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation.
The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize but also the Pulletsurprise.
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 02/09/2004 : 21:55:37
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Reading that lot has made my day. Here's a film related one for you...
What's E.T. short for?
Coz he's only got little legs.
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 02/10/2004 : 06:38:38
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A gent who was doing a streatch of time in prison received a letter from his wife.
"I sure miss having you around. I sure could use your help right now, because I'm thinking about planting potatoes in the garden, but that's going to be a lot of digging, what with turning the soil and all. Do you think I should plant potatoes now?
He wrote back to her, "Honey, don't dig in the garden, that's where I hid all the guns."
She then replied, "Dear, yesterday about a dozen policemen showed up at the house. The sirens were blaring and the lights were flashing. The completely dug up the garden, but there were no guns."
He wrote back to his wife, "Go ahead and plant those potatoes now."
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zzzbeauty 
"My life imitates art."
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Posted - 02/10/2004 : 07:56:33
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I don't get it. What am I missing?
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Nobro 
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Posted - 02/10/2004 : 08:14:12
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He got the nosey, letter-reading cops to dig up the garden for him so his wife wouldn't have to.
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 02/10/2004 : 16:34:50
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! FANTASTIC! Good joke Mguyx. Had a good chuckle there. As an homage, here is a little twist on the Roses are Red poem, as per the season:
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
That joke is great
We all laugh with you
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 02/11/2004 : 09:35:00
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor's remains in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral: I'm a gynecologist."
A proctologist in attendance then fainted.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 02/12/2004 : 00:26:18
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Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 02/13/2004 : 00:23:39
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LOL, you made my day, Chris C. 
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 02/18/2004 : 09:22:14
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I got this in an email today. I do not affirm the veracity of the quotes, but I thought they were funny.
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
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"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &! sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- former U.S.. President Bill Clinton,
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
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RockGolf
"1500+ reviews. 1 joke."
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Posted - 02/18/2004 : 20:36:46
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Some of those quotes ascribed to Clinton & Gore were originally ascribed to Reagan or Quayle.
For example:
quote:
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
There are 1950 sites on Google that mention this quote and Quayle but not Gore. 674 sites attribute it to Gore and make no reference to Quayle. Frankly it sounds more like something Quayle would say. A check of Amazon finds at least 3 books which attribute this to Dan Quayle.
quote:
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Cited on 3620 sites on Google. 540 of them mention Clinton but not Quayle. 647 of them mention Quayle but not Clinton. 729 of them attribute it to one George Bush or the other.
A search on Amazon lists several book written before Clinton came into office that attribute the quote to Quayle.
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RockGolf
"1500+ reviews. 1 joke."
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Posted - 02/18/2004 : 21:05:00
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Oh, and that "unforeseen event that may or may not occur" quote? Quayle, again. Not Gore.
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rri1
"Mistaken for Wayne Knight!"
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Posted - 02/18/2004 : 23:22:56
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quote:
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
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This was originally said by Casey Stengel, who also said, "Line up alphabetically by height."
quote:
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
I don't know if he did or did not say this, but Lee Iacocca was the president of Chrysler Corporation, not American Motors. He was also instrumental in the development of the Mustang, when he was at Ford in the 60's.
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 02/19/2004 : 05:06:08
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quote:
Originally posted by rri1
quote:
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
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This was originally said by Casey Stengel, who also said, "Line up alphabetically by height."
quote:
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
I don't know if he did or did not say this, but Lee Iacocca was the president of Chrysler Corporation, not American Motors. He was also instrumental in the development of the Mustang, when he was at Ford in the 60's.
He was president of Ford Motor, also. He was just the buyer of American Motors.
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Topic |
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Jokes
